If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
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M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.