“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
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POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair