Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
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[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
A family that plays together cheats.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
🙄😏😂🤣
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.