I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
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Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.