I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
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The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
My life coach traded me.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky