6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
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God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.