“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
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Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.