Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
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*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*