My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
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Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again