Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
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Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I’ve had relationships like this
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.