Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
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Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.