why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
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A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.