Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
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“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.