The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
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Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets