Saw your ex at the shops
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Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Liquor Store Parking
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Thank you corporation very cool
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.