If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
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doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.