I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
You Might Also Like
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Good morning!
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume