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DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw