me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.