Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
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Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free