It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
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Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.