This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
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I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Just as the prophecy foretold
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.