Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I’m too immature for adultery.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away