[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
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I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one