I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
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America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear