Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
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I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*