Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
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Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
What about second breakfast?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.