Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
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Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
How software testing works
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*