You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
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Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.