Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
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‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.