“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
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You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method