“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
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If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
😆this is so true
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Overindulged this afternoon.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes