An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
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How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5