Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
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I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him