The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
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My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.