You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
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Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.