Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 馃槓
You Might Also Like
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
6: you鈥檙e going 75
Me: I am, but it鈥檚 the speed limit
6: that鈥檚 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That鈥檚 almost 100!
Me: 鈥lease don鈥檛 tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you鈥檝e been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it鈥檚 janice
JANICE: thank you
: you鈥檙e welcome
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Dune (2021)
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Even though it means he鈥檚 a serial killer, it鈥檚 nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I鈥檓 not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Otters see a butterfly.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Cop: So, I鈥檓 writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You鈥檙e going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Can鈥檛 talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I鈥檓 baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I鈥檒l be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.