big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
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Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.