Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
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Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.