I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
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I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away