Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
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I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
multitasking lunch
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato