WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
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My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
time for some seasonal decor
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo