Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
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They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)