Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
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It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
What about a To-Don’t List?
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
How is it still this week?
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.