How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
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had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it