Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*