dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
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Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure