tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
You Might Also Like
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
He just like my cat fr
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*