Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
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8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Good Morning.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a