I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
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Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Note to self: I am a note
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.